wowee

You guys I need to tell you something. And I’m not sure if I’m ready to or if I fully believe myself to be capable of this, but oh my I want to be.

I shamefully admit that I hid behind my mom’s disease and passing during the last school year. Not always, and not consciously, but it happened. Sometimes I needed to do that, to be outrageously upset and to scream and curse and ask God why would you do this? But I let my mom’s passing be an identifier for me. I was crippling myself and my healing by letting it consume me.

Don’t get me wrong, I recognize the severity of what happened in my life and my emotions are primarily linked to that, still, but I want to tell you that I’m working hard on allowing myself to be the Marcella that existed before this whole mess occurred. And by that, I mean a Marcella that isn’t a girl whose mom died and she uses it as an excuse to live a crippled life.

I’ve been getting sad at camp a lot more often than I normally have been (but the sad that I get normally is big and scary and hard to feel) and sometimes I need to step out of the situation I’m in and cry in a quiet and deserted place. But when it’s small or little I buck up and push through. I had a work evaluation today and my biggest weakness is that I rarely-to-sometimes lack motivation (aka: lazy, “I don’t want to leave the office” days), not once did I say anything about my Mom or justify my laziness to being about my mom (1 because that’s not real or linked and 2 because that’s very lame and annoying). I owned up to it and even laughed because that’s what I had critiqued myself with in my evaluation. I will be honest and say that I have thought about (and thought out loud about) telling very spoiled campers to stop complaining about their moms because I don’t have one anymore. But that’s not fair. I want to stop that.

When I do feel sad, one thing that I notice I do is play around with my hands, like clinching my fists or holding my hands out in front of me to look at. I get quiet. And I also blame something else as the root of my change in personality. Part of me wants to not appear weak to anyone, especially here at camp, but another part of me wants to organically feel the emotions I feel.

I didn’t broadcast my life’s events of the last nine months to my coworkers and I don’t plan on it. If they know, it’s because I told them quietly or because they found out through the internet. Something that is scary is that everyone at camp only knows the person I am without a mom. That’ll be everyone I meet now, they won’t know that about me unless I tell them. How weird is that?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to be sad because I feel sad and I don’t want my mom’s passing to become my life in a crippling way. I don’t want to dwell on it and make other people dwell on it so much that I’ll never heal naturally because I’m over-extending my pain. At the same time, God has given me so much community and a feeling of belonging within the places I am so that I can use them to help me in my pain, I just need to use them for that and stop feeling like I need to shield them from my pain. I want to be “MarcellaCanYouTakeMyPicture” when I get back to school because that girl rarely hides behind a life event so that things can be easier, because they’re not going to be if I keep that up.

I think in our day-to-day lives we can look back and see events that have changed and shaped us. And if you look back at the testimonies that you’ve said in all of your Christian life, you can see how events affected you and how impactful they were on bringing you closer to Him. What’s important is that those events and defining moments change. Sure they are important but in years to come, you’re going to remember the impact of a more recent event or something. I think it’s really cool because if we remained the same, things would go bland. But the fact that our stories and our lives are constantly changing is beautiful because it shows God’s creativity, which in turn reminds us of His plan. His Creation is so big in that for me because sunsets change my life on a daily basis. This event in my life is big and huge, but what’s awesome is that I can already see so much healing in my life and most of that happened while I was at camp. So my most impactful event/defining moment would still be November 19 (it will be for a long time, I think) but the next moment would be the entire summer of 2014 because that’s when I recognized that I can’t be in the intense grieving stage forever. That’s change and honestly, none of that was me, but the Holy Spirit! #tyj (thank you, Jesus)

Wow, this is a big post and I’m sorry (but not really because I really learned this and feel strongly about it).