Things have been really hard recently. It’s hard being away from home and not getting the time to be at home. It’s hard being away from the people who really truly know me and know what I’ve been doing in the past eight months.
Time is flying by, yet the days are so long that I actually thanked Jesus it was Thursday. Also, the last time I looked at what day of the week it was, it was June 25. It’s almost July 19. Every month in the first year seems like a huge jump, a huge milestone to reach. It’s crazy to think that there will come a time when I’ve spent more time on earth without my mom than with her. Thankfully I’ll be 41 when that happens and I’ve got a ways to go until then.
This week has been especially hard for me because I’m not in a familiar environment (although it is becoming more and more familiar) and my life is changing and turning into something completely different than it was eight months ago. I’m getting a lot of feelings from it all, mostly guilt, shame, fear, and anger. It’s so weird that I’m so different from the girl I was in November. I wanted to stay the same just in case we were being punked and my mom came back. Because if she came back, I’d want her to know that it’s me and I’m the same as I was in November. I don’t want to change.
These feelings hit me so hard this week that I became a scary person. Not mean or rude or anything like that, but I was quiet. I didn’t feel like Marcella, I felt like someone else. I felt like the strange, emotionless doppelgängers from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I was so bogged down by these feelings that I started getting sick. My heart was hurting constantly and my nose was all sniffly.
Two nights ago, I walked up to a quieter part of camp late at night with my Bible. I read 2 Corinthians 4-5, what I read when I spoke at my mom’s service. And as I sobbed my way through it, I physically imagined Jesus and Satan boxing and Jesus was just destroying Satan. I promise I’m not crazy; it was inspired by this really stupid movie that I love so much. But it was so surreal.
Jesus beat Satan. The battle is won. Satan has no hold over me. And I needn’t be bogged down by guilt, shame, fear, or anger. I can’t stay the same and I can’t stop myself from changing into who God has planned for me to become. If I don’t change, then I’ll never be able to become more like Jesus and isn’t that the point? I don’t want to be who I was in November, not when I’m the girl I am now. I love who I am, these last eight months have been equally wonderful and terrible and I’ve learned to love myself through the terrible parts of it. God is love and love is so great and transformative and beautiful and real and it moves and changes and shifts and it is a verb that I am learning about more and more with every passing day.
I hope you all know this (and not just know it, but truly and deeply believe it) because it feels so good to remember that Satan has no power over you because Jesus took the huge blow of death for us. You aren’t bound by the terrible feelings the devil has over you. And if you ever feel like you are headed down that path, imagine Jesus dressed as a taco with a folding chair and whacking Satan (dressed as a grilled cheese, of course) repeatedly as blood oozes from him. It’s hilarious and true – it really happened that way.