Hey y’all, I have a problem.
You see, in my last content post, I revealed a lot about my struggles with my mom’s passing and how much I learned this summer about being my own person. But, I’m still a human and I still get sad and I still act irrationally to little and stupid things. Because I’m still a human. And while I am making progress, my progress is imperfect and that’s hard to understand and deal with as well. When we think we’ve found a solution, we want things to be perfect already.
Well, I fear that I’m suppressing my sadness because of what I said in my last post (and it can be found here, by the way) and I fear my own sadness now.
(I’m not looking for solutions or anything like that, I want to be open with my journey through my grief because I feel as if it can be helpful to someone in the future. It’s why I changed the name of my blog and it’s why I keep telling you about these things.) (Also, writing it out helps me define it for myself so that I can ultimately help myself.)
Well, since that last post, almost a month ago, I have been doing really well. I really believe that God worked through my summer to provide for me a path out of my despair. But like I said earlier, I’m still human. This week sort of came out of nowhere. I worked incessantly at the beginning and I found opportunity to slow down and rest towards the end. But then I really looked at the dates and it hit me: two very important people passed away this week in years past.
I have no doubt in my mind that these very important people are in Heaven with my mom and our Father, but at the same time I can’t help but be overcome with sadness because I have seen the way my mom has loved both of those people while they were all still on earth. My heart swells with joy because of the wholeness of each of my loved ones up in Paradise. But it swells with sadness because I miss them and because I wish to be up there with them. And I’m the kind of sad where it really okay sad, the kind where you just want your mom. But then it hits me that I can’t get to my mom and that’s where the real sadness kicks in. The one where it’s all consuming and then fist-clinching and quiet Marcella comes out and it’s weird.
So I’ve learned that I need to find a happy medium, a healthy medium. To let myself be sad sometimes and, (as we learned today in Bible study) let others know how I’m feeling so that they can be there for me if I need it. (I admit that I feel as if I’ve stopped doing that since being back at school, perhaps my pride from my last post stopped me.) I’m always learning to let others know how I feel. That seems to be a hard concept for me.
So long story short, I’m still sad, but I’m hiding it because I feel like I need to be perfect based on what I said in the past, but I’m not perfect. Jesus is and that’s important.
"your password is weak"
You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love, or friendship
And I feel sorry for you